Seasons come and seasons go....

I've always heard that life is made up of seasons. I was only vaguely aware of this through head knowledge as a child and young adult. Now that I am older I can visibly take a look back and reflect of the here and now and see these seasons in full swing and following the natural order of things and changing.

Sometimes there are seasons of growth and new life, Spring, full of new and exciting things: the birth of children, new jobs, new opportunities, confirmation and peace on God's calling for your life.

Sometimes there are Summer-like seasons where things seem to be constantly moving and thriving and trucking right along.

Fall comes and we see that sometimes life has to change: friends drift apart, a loved one dies, doors close, and things get just complicated.

Winter comes and we seem to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. Our sense of clarity seems so far out of reach. The sadness and loss of what could have been seems to permeate our inner most beings.

But alas, dear ones, what is it I see, but Spring again and a new fresh start. There will be life again and you will again ride life's ebb and flows like a bucking bronco. Hang on tight, it's a wild ride. I'm so grateful to be on it with some wonderful people and my awesome God.

I was feeling mad and depressed tonight. but I'm trying to see things in a positive light. Good night all.

When I should be sleeping...

Let me start by saying I know what time it is and I do know it's crazy that I'm up this late when I have two very little ones who may or may not sleep well and will probably be up super early in the morning. I however, needed some time. Some time for just me. The only time I get to have some peace and quiet is night after both girls have gone to bed and then, well, usually it's time for me to head that way myself.

I was uploading tons of pictures off my phone tonight and couldn't help taking a trip down memory lane as each picture uploaded and the thumbnails each flash by on my laptop screen loading window. Seeing pictures of both my girls at various ages during different milestones/developmental times. Sometimes it feels like I have blinked and my babies just changed over night. :( I know...I know that is what "old" people say, but there is something about having children that really makes you see how quickly time does pass by and how precious each moment really truly is. I wish my babies didn't have to grow up...:/ ..I say this while they are sleeping now. ;)

But seriously though, I turn the big 3-0 this year and I suppose it's not that big of a deal, but the other day I was thinking about when I turned 20 and thought, "Wow...that was not that long ago, was it?" Good memories, good times. Why must we try to rush through things so much?

Today and well this week marks an anniversary of a rough time...as I sit here tonight I try not to harp on the past and what was, but can't help but think of what happened and what could have been. So much sadness and pain happened. My heart breaks a little more just thinking about everything. I shouldn't worry about the past and other people's choices, but can't help but let myself be affected and have feelings of loss and grief and confusion.

Growing up is hard. I've come to realize you never really stop growing up and it never really gets easier. It actually gets harder. Each year comes with it's new challenges, struggles, and hurdles, but hopefully you come out a stronger person inside and out. These challenges have a way of revealing who you really are closest to and whom you can depend on. I'm truly blessed to have some very close friends and family member of which I can rely and depend.

I sit here and realize I've lost my train of thought and that is my cue to head to bed my friends. All in all it was a night of reflection for me as many of these posts tend to be. If anyone reads this I hope that it is not too confusing or boring. Goodnight all. I hope this night brings you some peaceful rest and that the morning brings you clarity and a refreshed mind. May God bless you. Until next time.

In the Quiet...

    Today I find myself in the quiet. A place I have not been in a long time. I'm not sure how to be in this place anymore. I have a plethora of feelings swirling around: peace, loneliness, sadness, hope, trepidation, heartbreak, thankfulness, ...etc. What does one do in such a place that one doesn't get to visit very often. "Enjoy it!" they say. "Take some time out for yourself," they say. I know this is what I should do and even would like to do, but today I can't help but be flooded with everything that has happened the past 6 months or so. As I drown out the feelings/thoughts in my head with music on my ipod and house cleaning while the baby sleeps, those feelings somehow find a way to seep in through what I'm listening to. My fault I suppose. My playlist is "floaty," as my husband calls it and conducive to bringing on a flood of tears with every other song.

     As our sweet new baby sleeps, I can't help, but feel so blessed with such a wonderful family. I have the most wonderful, supportive, loving, godly, caring, thoughtful, encouraging husband and father for our children. I have two beautiful, healthy, smart, loving, children. I have a lovely home and am blessed to be provided with everything I need, not to mention to be able to stay home with our little ones while they are small to care for and teach them. I realize this is something not everyone is able to do. I used to not be as grateful for this or thrilled to be at home, but now...I know that it is such an important job and am so thankful we are blessed for me to be able to do this and am honored that I can.

    I still miss working, teaching, having my own "thing." Some days I miss is terribly, but I know now that I'm not the same person I used to be. If I go back to teaching again one day things won't be the same. My opinions on things have changed, my experiences have made me wiser, life has happened.

    This summer was bittersweet and life-changing. A wonderful thing happen to me, the birth of our second child, which was such a roller-coaster ride, but so amazing. Our two sweeties are such a blessing and always make us smile. We are really looking forward to the future with our sweet family.

     Another life-changing even happened as well, but this one was not so lovely, heartbreaking as a matter of fact.

     They say when one door closes, another one opens...well, this was a similar idea. This door that closed was not something that was altogether too shocking, but something still stung nevertheless. Have you ever had foolish hope for something that many people would think ridiculous? ... Hopeless optimist my husband calls me. A part of me still thinks...wait...this can't be it...but, after all that has happened...I suppose it is. It's like a part of me died with this .... I don't know how to shake it. No matter how "adult" I try to be about it all, it still gets to me in the quiet moments...in the sad songs, in the sweet moments,.....so as I sit here trying to gather my thoughts and enjoy this quiet time, I realize that I probably won't get over this quickly and that's okay. Little things are going to sneak in and it'll hit me when I least expect. It something that may never really go away.

     I don't have to let it take over though. I can learn from it and use it to grow closer to God and my family and friends in my life. It's time for me to be hopeful again and take charge. There are things I need to take up again. All things that I realize are easier said than done. I may be sad sometimes, but it will be okay. Writing has a cathartic effect sometimes, doesn't it? I hope my rambling made some sense...if not...at least it served as a venting tool in a quiet time that wasn't so quiet.

......Until next time my friends.

Never Alone

I'm learning not to worry about things and lies, but to trust God and His Truths. Sometimes we all need a reminder.

I hope this brings you peace as it has helped to bring me some.

Fun and crafty things!

We try to stay busy and creative around our house. I like to do all sorts of fun crafty/artsy things with our little girl. Lately, she's been really good at playing by herself or at the table while I'm cooking/cleaning, etc. She likes to read, color, play with her stickers, play with play dough, and finger paint. Of course the play dough and finger paint is something we do together and she loves to make her art. :) Here is her latest piece.

I'm excited that she likes to paint. We used some paint brushes and other tools with this piece as well. I can't wait when we can paint side by side with our easels.

I also tried out a craft that I've been meaning to test lately with coffee beans. I think might make nice gifts in the future with some jazzing up with fabric and ribbon or string of some sort. Just put your favorite whole coffee beans about half to 3/4 full in a half pint mason jar  and place a tea candle (make sure it is a tea candle and it has the metal case around it) nestled in the coffee beans. When the candle is lit the coffee beans are warmed and a pleasant aroma wafts throughout a room. Make sure they are in an open area.

 I'm looking forward to more crafting soon! Enjoy!

These are my prayers lately....I can't say it any better.

When bad habits become a crutch....

Sometimes we get in a zone of day to day living, just going, not really living in the moment, but going through the motions to get to the next "thing" we have to do. When we get like this like many of us do, we often neglect some things that are vital. We are also often more susceptible to certain temptations and struggles that we are perhaps more sensitive to than others.

We all have something. Something we know that we should be weary of. Stay clear of. Be careful with. .... Some of us have more than one big thing.

For me, one of those things is my OCD habits/(obsessions and compulsions) to being clean and being afraid of anything potentially germy or harmful due to germs.

Now, when most people hear someone confess something like this they generally just put you in "that" category; the one with the over-protective mom who carries wipes and germ-x everywhere they go and won't let their child touch anything! While that is true to some extent, I must admit that for me it goes even deeper than that.

I can't begin to explain how this "thing" makes me feel/act/react, etc sometimes. I literally feel crazy sometimes and have to will myself to not do certain (compulsions: cleaning certain ways). I can see how it is affecting me, my relationship with Christ and others, and my actions. I know this needs to change now.

This is something I've dealt with my whole life, but I've only had it this hard twice in my life thus far. Both times, seemingly in times I felt "out of control," so to speak. So, I find myself trying to think back to how I got out of this extremely disturbing funk and I keep coming back to the fact that I began to re-dedicate my life to Christ. Step by step, I made sure I was in God's Word, if not daily, then at least most days of the week. Having more prayer time and re-surrendering my life to Christ daily.

 It's something I really did have to do daily. The surrender part. I realized that my problem came from me thinking I had any control over what was going to happen to me and not trusting God to take my worries/fears and giving Him the reigns of my life. It's not until I truly surrendered to Him completely and trusted the Lord, that the healing began.

So, as I sit here tonight, thinking about my issues again and trying desperately to conquer this "thing" on my own, I realize once more that I need to look back to before and look up to God. I need to surrender to Him again. I need to trust Him with everything in me. Not just say it, but do it.

Easier said than done, I know. So, tonight, I begin again. My own personal renaissance once more. Who says we can't have more than one of those in a lifetime. I think that it's all part of growing and becoming a stronger Christian/person. After all, we are human and our God is a forgiving, merciful, loving, and gracious God. We are going to make mistakes, but thankfully, God is always there to pick us right back up and is waiting with open arms for us. He'll get us through. I just need to lean on Him.

I ask for prayers as I re-evaluate where my priorities are and focus on trusting/depending on God with everything once more. I thank you friends, who-ever might be reading this, for your prayers. I know that, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)