Seasons come and seasons go....

I've always heard that life is made up of seasons. I was only vaguely aware of this through head knowledge as a child and young adult. Now that I am older I can visibly take a look back and reflect of the here and now and see these seasons in full swing and following the natural order of things and changing.

Sometimes there are seasons of growth and new life, Spring, full of new and exciting things: the birth of children, new jobs, new opportunities, confirmation and peace on God's calling for your life.

Sometimes there are Summer-like seasons where things seem to be constantly moving and thriving and trucking right along.

Fall comes and we see that sometimes life has to change: friends drift apart, a loved one dies, doors close, and things get just complicated.

Winter comes and we seem to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. Our sense of clarity seems so far out of reach. The sadness and loss of what could have been seems to permeate our inner most beings.

But alas, dear ones, what is it I see, but Spring again and a new fresh start. There will be life again and you will again ride life's ebb and flows like a bucking bronco. Hang on tight, it's a wild ride. I'm so grateful to be on it with some wonderful people and my awesome God.

I was feeling mad and depressed tonight. but I'm trying to see things in a positive light. Good night all.

When I should be sleeping...

Let me start by saying I know what time it is and I do know it's crazy that I'm up this late when I have two very little ones who may or may not sleep well and will probably be up super early in the morning. I however, needed some time. Some time for just me. The only time I get to have some peace and quiet is night after both girls have gone to bed and then, well, usually it's time for me to head that way myself.

I was uploading tons of pictures off my phone tonight and couldn't help taking a trip down memory lane as each picture uploaded and the thumbnails each flash by on my laptop screen loading window. Seeing pictures of both my girls at various ages during different milestones/developmental times. Sometimes it feels like I have blinked and my babies just changed over night. :( I know...I know that is what "old" people say, but there is something about having children that really makes you see how quickly time does pass by and how precious each moment really truly is. I wish my babies didn't have to grow up...:/ ..I say this while they are sleeping now. ;)

But seriously though, I turn the big 3-0 this year and I suppose it's not that big of a deal, but the other day I was thinking about when I turned 20 and thought, "Wow...that was not that long ago, was it?" Good memories, good times. Why must we try to rush through things so much?

Today and well this week marks an anniversary of a rough time...as I sit here tonight I try not to harp on the past and what was, but can't help but think of what happened and what could have been. So much sadness and pain happened. My heart breaks a little more just thinking about everything. I shouldn't worry about the past and other people's choices, but can't help but let myself be affected and have feelings of loss and grief and confusion.

Growing up is hard. I've come to realize you never really stop growing up and it never really gets easier. It actually gets harder. Each year comes with it's new challenges, struggles, and hurdles, but hopefully you come out a stronger person inside and out. These challenges have a way of revealing who you really are closest to and whom you can depend on. I'm truly blessed to have some very close friends and family member of which I can rely and depend.

I sit here and realize I've lost my train of thought and that is my cue to head to bed my friends. All in all it was a night of reflection for me as many of these posts tend to be. If anyone reads this I hope that it is not too confusing or boring. Goodnight all. I hope this night brings you some peaceful rest and that the morning brings you clarity and a refreshed mind. May God bless you. Until next time.

In the Quiet...

    Today I find myself in the quiet. A place I have not been in a long time. I'm not sure how to be in this place anymore. I have a plethora of feelings swirling around: peace, loneliness, sadness, hope, trepidation, heartbreak, thankfulness, ...etc. What does one do in such a place that one doesn't get to visit very often. "Enjoy it!" they say. "Take some time out for yourself," they say. I know this is what I should do and even would like to do, but today I can't help but be flooded with everything that has happened the past 6 months or so. As I drown out the feelings/thoughts in my head with music on my ipod and house cleaning while the baby sleeps, those feelings somehow find a way to seep in through what I'm listening to. My fault I suppose. My playlist is "floaty," as my husband calls it and conducive to bringing on a flood of tears with every other song.

     As our sweet new baby sleeps, I can't help, but feel so blessed with such a wonderful family. I have the most wonderful, supportive, loving, godly, caring, thoughtful, encouraging husband and father for our children. I have two beautiful, healthy, smart, loving, children. I have a lovely home and am blessed to be provided with everything I need, not to mention to be able to stay home with our little ones while they are small to care for and teach them. I realize this is something not everyone is able to do. I used to not be as grateful for this or thrilled to be at home, but now...I know that it is such an important job and am so thankful we are blessed for me to be able to do this and am honored that I can.

    I still miss working, teaching, having my own "thing." Some days I miss is terribly, but I know now that I'm not the same person I used to be. If I go back to teaching again one day things won't be the same. My opinions on things have changed, my experiences have made me wiser, life has happened.

    This summer was bittersweet and life-changing. A wonderful thing happen to me, the birth of our second child, which was such a roller-coaster ride, but so amazing. Our two sweeties are such a blessing and always make us smile. We are really looking forward to the future with our sweet family.

     Another life-changing even happened as well, but this one was not so lovely, heartbreaking as a matter of fact.

     They say when one door closes, another one opens...well, this was a similar idea. This door that closed was not something that was altogether too shocking, but something still stung nevertheless. Have you ever had foolish hope for something that many people would think ridiculous? ... Hopeless optimist my husband calls me. A part of me still thinks...wait...this can't be it...but, after all that has happened...I suppose it is. It's like a part of me died with this .... I don't know how to shake it. No matter how "adult" I try to be about it all, it still gets to me in the quiet moments...in the sad songs, in the sweet moments,.....so as I sit here trying to gather my thoughts and enjoy this quiet time, I realize that I probably won't get over this quickly and that's okay. Little things are going to sneak in and it'll hit me when I least expect. It something that may never really go away.

     I don't have to let it take over though. I can learn from it and use it to grow closer to God and my family and friends in my life. It's time for me to be hopeful again and take charge. There are things I need to take up again. All things that I realize are easier said than done. I may be sad sometimes, but it will be okay. Writing has a cathartic effect sometimes, doesn't it? I hope my rambling made some sense...if not...at least it served as a venting tool in a quiet time that wasn't so quiet.

......Until next time my friends.

Never Alone

I'm learning not to worry about things and lies, but to trust God and His Truths. Sometimes we all need a reminder.

I hope this brings you peace as it has helped to bring me some.

Fun and crafty things!

We try to stay busy and creative around our house. I like to do all sorts of fun crafty/artsy things with our little girl. Lately, she's been really good at playing by herself or at the table while I'm cooking/cleaning, etc. She likes to read, color, play with her stickers, play with play dough, and finger paint. Of course the play dough and finger paint is something we do together and she loves to make her art. :) Here is her latest piece.

I'm excited that she likes to paint. We used some paint brushes and other tools with this piece as well. I can't wait when we can paint side by side with our easels.

I also tried out a craft that I've been meaning to test lately with coffee beans. I think might make nice gifts in the future with some jazzing up with fabric and ribbon or string of some sort. Just put your favorite whole coffee beans about half to 3/4 full in a half pint mason jar  and place a tea candle (make sure it is a tea candle and it has the metal case around it) nestled in the coffee beans. When the candle is lit the coffee beans are warmed and a pleasant aroma wafts throughout a room. Make sure they are in an open area.

 I'm looking forward to more crafting soon! Enjoy!

These are my prayers lately....I can't say it any better.

When bad habits become a crutch....

Sometimes we get in a zone of day to day living, just going, not really living in the moment, but going through the motions to get to the next "thing" we have to do. When we get like this like many of us do, we often neglect some things that are vital. We are also often more susceptible to certain temptations and struggles that we are perhaps more sensitive to than others.

We all have something. Something we know that we should be weary of. Stay clear of. Be careful with. .... Some of us have more than one big thing.

For me, one of those things is my OCD habits/(obsessions and compulsions) to being clean and being afraid of anything potentially germy or harmful due to germs.

Now, when most people hear someone confess something like this they generally just put you in "that" category; the one with the over-protective mom who carries wipes and germ-x everywhere they go and won't let their child touch anything! While that is true to some extent, I must admit that for me it goes even deeper than that.

I can't begin to explain how this "thing" makes me feel/act/react, etc sometimes. I literally feel crazy sometimes and have to will myself to not do certain (compulsions: cleaning certain ways). I can see how it is affecting me, my relationship with Christ and others, and my actions. I know this needs to change now.

This is something I've dealt with my whole life, but I've only had it this hard twice in my life thus far. Both times, seemingly in times I felt "out of control," so to speak. So, I find myself trying to think back to how I got out of this extremely disturbing funk and I keep coming back to the fact that I began to re-dedicate my life to Christ. Step by step, I made sure I was in God's Word, if not daily, then at least most days of the week. Having more prayer time and re-surrendering my life to Christ daily.

 It's something I really did have to do daily. The surrender part. I realized that my problem came from me thinking I had any control over what was going to happen to me and not trusting God to take my worries/fears and giving Him the reigns of my life. It's not until I truly surrendered to Him completely and trusted the Lord, that the healing began.

So, as I sit here tonight, thinking about my issues again and trying desperately to conquer this "thing" on my own, I realize once more that I need to look back to before and look up to God. I need to surrender to Him again. I need to trust Him with everything in me. Not just say it, but do it.

Easier said than done, I know. So, tonight, I begin again. My own personal renaissance once more. Who says we can't have more than one of those in a lifetime. I think that it's all part of growing and becoming a stronger Christian/person. After all, we are human and our God is a forgiving, merciful, loving, and gracious God. We are going to make mistakes, but thankfully, God is always there to pick us right back up and is waiting with open arms for us. He'll get us through. I just need to lean on Him.

I ask for prayers as I re-evaluate where my priorities are and focus on trusting/depending on God with everything once more. I thank you friends, who-ever might be reading this, for your prayers. I know that, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)

Not Enough

There come times in your life when you realize you're not enough.

Not enough to do things perfectly.
Not enough to never lose your temper.
Not enough to always be patient.
Not enough to always have the strength.
Not enough to never get frustrated.
Not enough to never get angry.
Not enough to be the best of everything.
Not enough to please everyone.
Not enough to please yourself.

It's times like these that bring you to your knees and make you remember that you aren't enough alone. You need God's love and guidance. You need that close relationship.

Somehow in the hustle bustle of our busy lives we forget that we aren't Superwoman/man. We can't do everything. We won't be perfect. We may not be perfect, but when we have God on our side and a constant relationship with Him and willingness to learn and change for the better, we can do much more than we can do alone.

I found myself in an on my knees kind of moment this evening and was reminded of this lesson. I cannot fix myself, I need forgiveness daily, and I need to be persistent and dedicated when it comes to having a close relationship with God.

It's been a long day and I'm still a huge work in progress. I recognize my need for renovation and pray that God will mold me into who He needs me to be and that He gives me the strength to tackle whatever life brings.

Long Nights Bring Introspection

So, this is an old picture, but it serves as an example of the long nights Grace, John, and I have endured lately.

Last night when we came home from church Grace was burning up and I took her temperature and found out that she had a 102 fever. Needless to say we were up all night with our sweet girl.

There's nothing more difficult than trying to comfort your child when they are ill and not being able to do much at all. It makes you feel so helpless and sometimes it so frustrated that you can't do anything to make them feel better.

Sometimes during tough nights it's easy to get selfish and frustrated when you are exhausted and suffering from lack of sleep. But when your baby is really sick and all they want is to snuggle with you, then somehow it's hard to be "upset" or "selfish." It really puts things into perspective and humbles you.

As I lie awake with a sleeping baby lying on me I couldn't help but think about my mother. In times like these I remember all the times when I was sick as a child and my mother never failed to come and take care of us either to: give us our medicine at the directed times, put a cool rag on our head, rub our backs, or hold our hair when we were nauseous. I never saw resentment, annoyance, frustration, or selfishness in her eyes or the way she took care of us and comforted us. I knew I could always count on mom to make it better or at least do her best to.

As I think about the way my mom took care of us and just her overall attitude and character, I can't help but contemplate on my own attitudes and what I strive to be like. I want desperately for my daughter to feel the way I did about always being able to count mom and never thinking I was an inconvenience or an annoyance.

I'm still learning this mom thing. Whoever said it just comes easily was apparently not a parent. Lately I've realized some areas in which I need to work on. I need to remember that it's not all about me. That my responsibilities and priorities changed when I had a child, a child of whom I adore with all my heart. I love that sweet girl, and when I think about the times when I have a selfish attitude it breaks my heart.

I think God must feel that way sometimes.

We as His children are constantly grieving Him and breaking His heart.

We are selfish, arrogant, prideful, rude, controlling, and sometimes just plain mean.

He is the Ultimate Parent.

He is our Father who loves us unconditionally, who never tires of comforting us, never tires sitting with us all night until the pain is gone, will always be on time with what we need, and with whom we know we can always count on. Our trust should be in Him and we should strive to be like the Ultimate Parent.

I am reminded of that lately through some long nights. I strive to be Christlike, to be the parent God wants/needs me to be. I pray that we all strive to be Christlike in whatever situations or relationships we may be in. I pray that all my sleepless nights bring such revelation.

Miraculous Signs....

I was reading my daily bible study today out of Exodus Chapter 4 and it brought me a few realizations I wanted to share with you. Lately there's been a LOT going on in my life and I've been super busy trying to juggle all that is to be done. I'm seeing new doors being opened, and opportunities being brought before me to use my talents/gifts to serve God in new ways. I'm excited, yet am still nervous, and lots of the time I feel as if I don't measure up or am not good enough for the job.

I don't know if I've actually ever read this section about Moses talking to God about the rod and the signs and his fear of speaking. I know I've heard about it several times, but I'm not sure if I've actually read it on my own, which is odd, but it was definitely what I needed today. Funny how things happen like that, right? :P

Reading it revealed to me a part of human nature. How Moses needed/wanted proof and lacked confidence to do God's will. We all go through that at one time or another. Usually several times in your life if you are like me. When God calls us to do something, He knows EXACTLY what He's doing. We're usually just too scared or nervous, or not yet ready to give up the reins, to believe or surrender to Him. So, sometimes God sends us a helper, like He sent Aaron to help Moses.

I imagine sometimes, how it would be if we just listened the first time and said, "Ok, I'll do it Lord! Whatever you want! You're the boss!" Without fear or insecurities. What kind of awesome things God would show us.  God IS in control. Let us rejoice and be glad that He has a plan for our lives and knows us better than we even think we know ourselves. He knows what we are capable of because He made us and He loves us! What better reason to believe and trust Him than that? This gives me courage.

Thank you Lord for your mighty power and your plans for my life. Please help me to not hesitate when you call me to do something. I know that, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13) Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

May you say YES to what God is calling you to do in your life right now. Be of good courage my friend. You will do great things through Christ.

Stillness...

Sometimes we need a reminder that we need to be patient.
Just be still.

Wait.

Be calm.

Sometimes the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10, just says it all.

In the midst of all the complications, worries, sadness, longings, and troubles of this world sometimes the best thing to do is just to be still. We are God's children. He WILL take care of us.

I've needed to be reminded of this lately, so I thought I'd share this song with you guys. I hope it speaks to you.

Blessed.

In the midst of all the craziness and busyness of life sometimes the simplest things still make me smile.

My life is beginning to get a little more busy again and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. It's funny because just a few months ago I was begging for more to do, my old crazy busy schedule back, but now...well, I'm not so sure. I do enjoy getting to be creative again and teaching (in whatever aspect I can). I miss those things.

On top of all the craziness, we lost a loved one recently. It's times like these that really make you stop and take inventory of your life once again. It makes you ever more thankful for all the people in your life and reminiscent of those you have known that have touched your life. I'm very honored and blessed to have known this person and know that many people will miss them. I also know that they are finally at peace and in a better place, and for that I am happy. I'm not the best at giving advice, and so I don't try too often, however, I'd like to think I'm a good listen and a good hugger. :) I hope I can be of some comfort to those who are hurting.

I think one of the worst feelings is when you see someone hurting and you can't do anything to help. I've realized that sometimes the only thing you can do is pray and sometimes that is just what they need. I've also learned a smile goes a long way as does a kind, soft, encouraging word, and a good long hug. People just want to know someone loves them and cares for them. I often thought about doing missionary work when I was younger and would always feel so sad about a lot of the children and men and women who were hurting and lonely. Then I thought, if someone only told them about Jesus, then they would always know that someone loves them and cares for them and will never leave them. I am so thankful to our missionaries in all countries. I hope to someday be able to help out with some. I admire you. Thank you.

Throughout all the craziness and heartache I know I can always count on God to always be there for me. That's what gets me through some crazy times. That's what helps me through the anger of not being able to help sometimes. God knows all and He will show you what you can do to help. There's always something you can do. I've learned that. You just have to choose to do it. Sometimes that's the hardest part.

I'm amazed at how much my little girl has grown in the past week. At 8 months old she's already pulling herself up, can sit herself up from the tummy position, can play on her own, can feed herself little puffs, and she's just about learned how to crawl. I can't believe it. She's becoming such a big girl. As we come closer and closer to her birthday it makes me realize how fast time really does fly and that in turn makes me feel old.

Oh I hope I take in every moment and never take anything for granted. My eyes are opened every day to what an amazing husband I have and what a wonderful Daddy he's becoming and what an awesomely sweet little girl we have together. God has supremely blessed us and I am forever thankful. I look forward to many wonderful years to come. I hope that this week brings you all happiness, peace, and enlightenment as it has already brought me. :)

“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.” T.S. Eliot

As I sit here sipping hot apple cider on this wintry evening in January, I find myself in a reminiscent mood. I know I'm a little late on the stereotypical Top how ever many things of the past year, but I thought, what the heck, it's still January, it should still count. Who makes up the rules to these things anyway? :P

We had a lovely first Christmas with our sweet baby girl and all of our relatives/family members and I absolutely can't wait for all the fun, new, and exciting things 2011 will bring. I know God has amazing things in store for us! : )

So, without further adieu....

Top 10 Things of 2010!

1. I got to teach with some of the most amazing people I know!

2. I had the most awesome students and loved every minute with them!

3. (March) I had a great time in OAP with my students and were pretty successful and VERY proud of them!

4. We welcomed our sweet baby girl, Grace, into this world in May.

5. My husband and I survived some REALLY tough times with our first month with Grace and came out stronger and closer than ever. <3

6. I had the most wonderful time in Gruene, TX with my sweet husband on our little getaway in July.

7. My husband and I and little Grace are so excited to be part of a new church plant and have our own place and role in helping it grow. I'm super excited to be the female youth leader!

8. I got to see my Grandmother and John's Grandpa smile and bring joy to them by having them meet and hang out with their new Great-Grand-daughter. : ) It was such an amazing feeling.

9. One of my best friend's got engaged!

10. We attended a lovely wedding of one of our college friends in Dec. and were honored to share that special moment with them.

"If you can't remember a better time, you can have mine, little one."

As I get older and don't get to see my friends as often I tend to understand what I've been told by so many that time really does fly and making the most of right now really does matter most.

My husband and I got to see some old college buddies this weekend and it was really nice to kind of feel young again. I know, I know, it's sounds silly, because I'm not all that old, but I'm much older now than I used to be. I'm not a college kid anymore. I'm not a newlywed. I'm a wife, mother, former teacher, and friend.

Boy do we take on many roles in our life. If I were to name all the ones I hold/have held I'd be here all night. As I sit here reminiscing on things gone by I can't help but think about how all our lives are so much different now. We went to a wedding of yet another one of our friends' this evening and it was lovely. As our little group sat around the table at the reception I couldn't help but notice that most of us were married now and have a kid or want one soon. Seemed like just yesterday we were staying up at all hours playing games or just talking all over at one of our apartments. Good times, when we all lived either in walking distance of one another or just a short ride away. I miss that. Being able to hang out practically whenever we wanted. People always feeling welcomed to just come on in and hang out. Tons of people over and having a great time just....being.

Sometimes I long for those times of simplicity again.

I love my family and just love my life so much. Our little bean just makes us laugh and continues to amaze us daily. I can't believe how fast she's growing and developing. She will probably be crawling in about a week or so I'm sure. I've really got to finish the baby proofing that's for sure.

I feel as if I'm rambling here. Maybe I am, but I just needed to vent a little. After all, isn't that what a blog is for?

I think major holidays tend to provoke introspection in most people, and that's ok. I find myself beginning to wonder, "Is this how my parents' felt? Did they go through this?" My outlook on things seem so much different now. Despite all the craziness and the longing for old days, I am incredibly blessed and am so thankful for everything God has given me. Why He's blessed me so much, I'll never know, but I will be forever grateful. I still have tons of dreams and goals for the future and look forward to all the things to come. I pray that God will give me strength to make the best decisions and be the kind of person He needs me to be.

Sorry for the ranting tonight guys. I hope it made some sense. Have a lovely evening, and if I don't write before then, have a wonderful Christmas.

Lean On Me.

Sometimes life throws you some curve balls. Everything seems to be going great and then suddenly you find yourself like a turtle on your back, helpless, and needing to be picked backed up.

Life's hard, but things happen sometimes to teach us lessons, to make us stronger, and to allow us to make a difference. Sometimes I think these things happen to remind us to look up and trust God. Lately, I've been feeling like God is trying to help me realize how much I need to trust in him and not worry. I need to realize that no matter what happens God is in control.

There's so much in this life that we don't understand and that we can't control and for an self-diagnosed OCD  and educator such as myself sometimes this about kills me. Well, not really, but you can see how it may drive me crazy sometimes. When things don't go as planned it's hard sometimes to go with the flow, especially if you are used to routines. Being flexible is a very valuable attribute to have in your little bag of tricks just in case something goes awry in your day. Learning to calm down, breathe, and make rational/logical decisions based on the situation and just making the best of what comes is what makes the difference I think. There are several ways one can react to such thorns in our plan, but the best way is to be flexible and understanding, especially when this situation has people involved. Relationships are very important and are very easily messed up if we forget what matters most and get our priorities out of whack.

I've had a self-centered attitude lately and God's been working on me. Boy has He and it's not been easy or fun, but I've learned a lot. I have so much to be thankful for and even though sometimes I wish things were a certain way or I wish I was doing something else, the fact of the matter is that I have everything I need and I'm am extremely blessed. I have the most amazing husband who works incredibly hard every day in a great job that God has given him to provide for his family, I have a wonderful little girl who brightens my day just with her smile or coo, I have a great house to live in, I have transportation, and every necessity. What more could I ask for? I already have more than I deserve. So, when I feel myself getting a little self-absorbed, selfish, or greedy, I try to remember that. There's plenty of time to do the things I want to do. I've got a great responsibility to help raise my child and be an awesome wife. Two things that will keep you busy just by themselves. But I'm loving it.

Thank you, my dear sweet husband, for all that you do. Thank you for reminding me of who I am and who I should be. Thank you for supporting and loving me through all of the craziness. You are my heart, and I will always be yours and be forever grateful for all that you do for us.

For the past week now poor baby Grace has had a cold, and although a baby having a cold is hard on everyone in the house, I just feel so bad for her. I mean, she's so helpless right now. I feel horrible when I have to use the aspirator on her nose and give her medicine. :( I can't wait until she's over this and feels better again. Hopefully it'll be soon. In the meantime, I'm Miss Snot-Snorter to the rescue. It's funny how things change. Seems not long ago when my mom was Miss Snot-Snorter and I was helping to hold down my younger siblings. :P

Time goes by so quickly. Cherish it my friends. God is good. Live, laugh, love, and hope.

Have a lovely weekend all.

Utter Exhaustion

Who knew that just 3 hours of a fussy/high maintenance baby could make you so tired. I'm so ready for bed now. Too bad I still have at least 2 more hours to go. :(

A Walk in the Park

 When I was younger, a walk outside in God's beautiful creation is all it took to bring my world back to focus. On God. Just one walk and all was right again. I was at peace, happy, in awe, and all because I could bask in God's amazing creation and have a little talk with him. Outside on my walks was the one place I could go to escape the hard, scary, stressful times that was my life a lot when I was younger. Therefore, it's not a surprise that when things get crazy and I need to calm down these days,  the place I love to be is somewhere outdoors, preferably with trees around and a quiet place. :)

    Grace and I took a walk today in the park near our old apartments. As we strolled down the trail I remembered why I used to love jogging there so much. It is just so beautiful. Tall pine and oak trees everywhere; hugging the trail and blocking sight to the road, squirrels running and jumping, birds chirping, leaves and branches waving softly in the wind, and the smell of the outdoors, you know, the grass, leaves, dirt, earthly fresh smell. I love it. lol I always tell John that I would love to live in a tree house. Hippie-like, maybe, but wouldn't that just be awesome?! Of course, it'd have to be one of those modern tree houses with plumbing and electricity and all, but still. Totally awesome.

   Anyway, on our walk we stopped at a picnic table so Grace could have some of her bottle and we could just take some of the scenery in. It was nice. Grace probably thought I was a crazy woman because I was just smiling and talking up a storm describing all the different things there were to see, smell, and hear. She was so cute because in between drinks from her bottle she would sneak me a huge smile as I was talking, as if to say, "I so know what you're saying Mom, this is awesome!" I loved it. :)

  Lately I've been contemplating and re-assessing myself and my life. A life change, like having a baby, will generally prompt some introspection of some kind. For me, having a child changed things drastically in my life. I used to be busy and working ALL the time with school/work and other related projects. I was a jh/high school Theater/Speech teacher and even though that generally meant 12 hour workdays and grading/lesson planning every night, I loved it. Yes, even the hard days with the tough kids. I loved my job and I intend to go back to teaching when the time is right.

Now, I'm a stay-at-home mom taking care our sweet baby girl. Very different schedule. Usually the same or more hours as before, always busy with things to attend to her needs (diaper changes, feeding, playtime, burping, nap time, repeat), not having a set schedule, eating when she lets me eat, etc. It's hard work, either the same as before or harder. There hasn't been a day so far since she's been born that I haven't been exhausted at the end and practically falling into bed with fatigue.

   Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my little girl, but no one tells you how hard it really is to take care of a baby and to go from being a working woman to a stay-at-home mom. I'm finding myself trying to figure out my new routine and stay busy in a different kind of way. And, even though you have a person with you the entire day, you are so lonely, because that person can't talk to you yet. I also had struggles with losing the feeling of who I was anymore the first couple months because everything changed and for the longest time being a teacher and working or going to school was who I was. Still am, but in a different way. It was not fun. Grace was a fussy baby when she was first born and we had a really tough first month, so it took a LOT out of us (my husband and I). Thankfully Grace is easier to take care of now and I'm so excited that she's becoming a lot more interactive lately. I just can't wait until she can walk and color pictures and we can do more things together. I know we're going to have tons of fun together.
 
   I'm excited about getting to work with the youth at our church soon. Being the female youth leader will mean I will get to work with kids again and change lives. I can't wait! I just love kids. :) God has blessed my family and I so much and I'm so grateful. There is so much I have to learn to be a good parent and to be the best Christian I can be.

I suppose we all feel that way most of the time, the wanting to be better part. I find the best way to combat the stress/worry/fatigue is to stay on top of my Bible studies and quiet time with God. Which is why I mentioned my walks outside. I think everyone should have a place where they can go and always feel close to God and have some quiet time with him. If you don't have one, you should find one. It doesn't even have to be one place in particular. For instance, like my place, outside, it can be in my backyard, at a park, on the beach, or simply stepping outside on a break at work to get some fresh air. For you it could be any number of things: library, cafe, coffee shop, sun room, den, kitchen, in the car driving, lake, airplane, or on a boat. Wherever it may be make it your own and be sure to make time to talk with God one on one. He likes to here from you and it'll make a huge difference with your relationship with Him and your everyday life. So, go find your place.

Until next time. Adieu.

Starting Anew

It's been awhile since I've had a blog or journal of any kind, so I decided to start one up again. This first entry will be short and sweet. I'm excited to have a place again to vent and share my thoughts. There are so many new things happening in my life right now, thus I have to document it somehow. I will make sure to do my best to keep this up-to-date and interesting. I look forward to this form of expression again.