Today I find myself in the quiet. A place I have not been in a long time. I'm not sure how to be in this place anymore. I have a plethora of feelings swirling around: peace, loneliness, sadness, hope, trepidation, heartbreak, thankfulness, ...etc. What does one do in such a place that one doesn't get to visit very often. "Enjoy it!" they say. "Take some time out for yourself," they say. I know this is what I should do and even would like to do, but today I can't help but be flooded with everything that has happened the past 6 months or so. As I drown out the feelings/thoughts in my head with music on my ipod and house cleaning while the baby sleeps, those feelings somehow find a way to seep in through what I'm listening to. My fault I suppose. My playlist is "floaty," as my husband calls it and conducive to bringing on a flood of tears with every other song.
As our sweet new baby sleeps, I can't help, but feel so blessed with such a wonderful family. I have the most wonderful, supportive, loving, godly, caring, thoughtful, encouraging husband and father for our children. I have two beautiful, healthy, smart, loving, children. I have a lovely home and am blessed to be provided with everything I need, not to mention to be able to stay home with our little ones while they are small to care for and teach them. I realize this is something not everyone is able to do. I used to not be as grateful for this or thrilled to be at home, but now...I know that it is such an important job and am so thankful we are blessed for me to be able to do this and am honored that I can.
I still miss working, teaching, having my own "thing." Some days I miss is terribly, but I know now that I'm not the same person I used to be. If I go back to teaching again one day things won't be the same. My opinions on things have changed, my experiences have made me wiser, life has happened.
This summer was bittersweet and life-changing. A wonderful thing happen to me, the birth of our second child, which was such a roller-coaster ride, but so amazing. Our two sweeties are such a blessing and always make us smile. We are really looking forward to the future with our sweet family.
Another life-changing even happened as well, but this one was not so lovely, heartbreaking as a matter of fact.
They say when one door closes, another one opens...well, this was a similar idea. This door that closed was not something that was altogether too shocking, but something still stung nevertheless. Have you ever had foolish hope for something that many people would think ridiculous? ... Hopeless optimist my husband calls me. A part of me still thinks...wait...this can't be it...but, after all that has happened...I suppose it is. It's like a part of me died with this .... I don't know how to shake it. No matter how "adult" I try to be about it all, it still gets to me in the quiet moments...in the sad songs, in the sweet moments,.....so as I sit here trying to gather my thoughts and enjoy this quiet time, I realize that I probably won't get over this quickly and that's okay. Little things are going to sneak in and it'll hit me when I least expect. It something that may never really go away.
I don't have to let it take over though. I can learn from it and use it to grow closer to God and my family and friends in my life. It's time for me to be hopeful again and take charge. There are things I need to take up again. All things that I realize are easier said than done. I may be sad sometimes, but it will be okay. Writing has a cathartic effect sometimes, doesn't it? I hope my rambling made some sense...if not...at least it served as a venting tool in a quiet time that wasn't so quiet.
......Until next time my friends.
